When Your Priorities Change, So Do Your Fears

There are many things in life that either freak me out or just plain scare the bajesus out of me. Spiders, clowns, bugs, supernatural nastiness, to name a few. One thing that has always terrified me is the idea of being alone. I’m not talking about being alone as in a room by myself, but rather ending up living a solitary life with a bunch of cats writing My Little Pony fanfiction (ok…..maybe that’s a stretch, but you get the picture)

A year ago, my focus was on my career, my fitness, and just enjoying life. When people would ask me why I was single, I’d say “Oh, I don’t have time for one right now. I’m just happy living my life for me!” And that was true….on the outside. Inside, I was starting to have those dark thoughts of whether or not I’d find someone. Whether or not I’d ever find the happiness that my friends had and, if I did, would it be while I was still young enough to have kids. I was scared to death of never knowing what true happiness felt like. On the outside, I presented myself as being happy as can be with life and all it had to offer. On the inside, I was bitter, insecure, and absolutely devastated that I was 26 and didn’t see marriage and kids on the horizon anytime soon.

And then, just like that, my whole world turned upside down. I found the man who is the very reason my heart beats. My priorities changed once I met and fell in love with Cameron. Sure, my focus was still very much fitness and career driven, but I was making decisions based upon OUR future. I accepted a job in Merrillville so we could move in together, we started planning our wedding, and he prepared me for the training that would come for my next season of competition. Life is brilliant, and I couldn’t be happier.

As my priorities changed, so did my fears….in a way. I was still fearful of ending up alone. I wasn’t fearful of ending up alone because I didn’t find someone—I was fearful of being left behind in the event something happened to Cameron. I had a nightmare the other night that caused me to wake up in a cold sweat and throw up several times. In the awful dream, Cameron called me and said he wasn’t feeling well, so he was going to go home from work early. I told him to keep me posted on how he was feeling, that I loved him, and that I’d be home in a few hours. He then began telling me how much he loved me, how amazing I was, and that I deserved so much. The next part of the dream was me getting home, finding all the lights off, and no dogs barking. I opened the door, turned on the light, and found him on the couch with our wedding picture in his left hand……and a gun in the other. The nightmare then fast forwards to the funeral, where I am handed a folded up flag as I stare blankly at my husband’s casket. And then, thank God, I woke up.

For those of you who don’t know, Cameron is a Marine. Not only that, but he is a combat veteran who has been deployed multiple times to Afghanistan, Iraq, and other countries. He’s endured trauma that I can’t even begin to comprehend, from personal injury to losing his best friends in combat. As a result, he has PTSD, as many veterans do. Veterans with PTSD are more vulnerable to suicidal ideation or attempts.

Cameron has had both. As a mental health professional and a future Marine wife, this scares me more than I could ever express.

I’m a sociologist at heart. I nerd out about statistics like it’s my job……but the statistics regarding veterans and suicide? Those make my blood run cold. They always were shocking to me, but they never were more than statistics until I fell in love with my Marine. Roughly between 17-22 veterans commit suicide on a daily basis, according to most statistical reports between 2011-2014. A recent study found that among OIF/OEF Veterans, those with subthreshold PTSD were 3 times more likely to report hopelessness or suicidal ideation than those without PTSD. This has become my absolute biggest fear.

He is my whole life, my whole heart, and I am determined to help him keep his demons at bay. He has not had another PTSD episode since July 4th, and he is very much aware of my fears. Since he and I have been together, he has lost multiple friends to suicide. Each time, my heart sinks into my stomach and I can’t help but sob because this has become all too common. I refuse to let the love of my life become a mere statistic.

Veterans are more than statistics. It’s time we started giving them the praise, the help, and the recognition they deserve.

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“So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?” “She rescues him right back.”

Every little girl dreams of finding her Prince Charming. The hopes, the dreams, and the expectations perpetuated by every single fairy tale we were exposed to as children followed me well into adulthood. After graduating from college, I began my professional career and daydreamed about the day my prince would come.

And then I became married to my career…….and fitness.

My fitness journey took me from overweight to an NPC Bikini Competitor. I posted several weight loss transformation pictures throughout my journey on my Facebook page. One afternoon, I saw my cousin Angie tag me in a status thanking me for being an inspiration to her. She also tagged another competitor named Sunny, so I sent him a friend request because I was new to the world of competition. A few days later, I received a friend request from a guy who had Sunny as a mutual friend……and he was attractive, he was single, I was single, I accepted. Little did I know that clicking that “accept” button would change my entire life. His name was Cameron.

It’s no secret that I have a love of proper grammar, spelling, and the Oxford Comma. Cameron’s first message to me was a Strunks & White joke about how grammar saves lives:

“‘Let’s eat, Grandma.’ and ‘Let’s eat Grandma.’, grammar saves lives. Hi, I’m Cameron.”

I smiled so big, and of course responded with an equally sassy response applauding him for his clever opening line. After a few messages, we exchanged numbers and began talking nonstop. Aside from his good looks and dreamy blue eyes, I was instantly drawn to his humor, his mutual interest of fitness, his passion for life, and his love of God. However, I was definitely skeptical. He seemed too good to be true, so I kept pushing off meeting until we finally agreed to meet at my gym for a workout.

He was an hour late, and I was beginning to think he was going to stand me up. He sent hilarious picture messages of buggies and his responses to them (which happened to be Robin Williams screaming “WHAT YEAR IS IT?!”). I was able to get my cardio in before he arrived, then quickly touched up my makeup so I didn’t look like a sweaty mess when he arrived. He texted me and said “Here!”, and so I walked out and stood by the front doors of the gym to wait for him. I, naturally, gave him a hard time about being late, and tried my hardest to keep him from seeing how nervous I was. Pictures didn’t do him justice! I showed him around the gym, and then we got to work with our epic CrossFit workout that was on the docket. I can’t tell you exactly what the workouts contained, I can’t tell you how many times my legs felt like they were going to fall off, I can’t tell you how many times I had to readjust my ponytail……but I can tell you the amount of times I got distracted because of watching the handsome man in front of me lift heavy things–38.

He pushed me to keep going. He didn’t let me wimp out just because I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore. He pushed me off a box when I sat down. You know what I did? Imagined him shirtless. In fact, he was getting agitated that he couldn’t take his shirt off in the gym. I jokingly told him to tie it up like a country girl. He did. I dropped my kettlebell. Not sorry. When we finished the workout, we decided to go get lunch. We laughed about our pasts, our workout fails, and how his brother thought that Alpha Delta Pi was a fraternity. Then, we went to PetSmart so I could buy Ellie Belle a new toy and get goldfish food. Then, we sat in my car for an hour and 32 minutes because neither of us wanted the day to be over.

My best friend was supposed to be getting married on July 4th, but the wedding was postponed due to issues with his fiancee’s visa. Since Cameron had already agreed to be my date to the wedding, we decided to spend the 4th together anyway. The plan was for me to come meet him in La Porte, and then we’d head to the beach. After a couple hours of finding a beach that wasn’t closed due to sinkholes or crowded beyond words, we decided to just relax, eat some steak….and drink some Fireball. One shot turned into two, two into three, and then I remembered that I don’t drink much anymore. That’s when I, realizing I was exactly 13 inches shorter than Cameron, decided to stand on his dining room chair. I lost my balance and fell into his arms—and then he kissed me. When dusk arrived, I asked if he wanted to go outside to see the fireworks. Within minutes, he was in the grasp of a violent PTSD episode. As a mental health professional, I quickly ran to his side and began trying my best to comfort him. As heartbreaking as the situation was, it was the closest I had ever felt to another human being in my life. I stayed by his side the entire night to make sure he was happy, safe, and comforted.

In the months that followed, we shared in moments of laughter and tears. When Satan and past demons tried to tear us apart, we remained strong when most bonds would shatter. After a date night in Chicago while Cameron was on business, we came back to the hotel and he started working on a report for his leadership course the following day. I perched myself on the bed and began watching one of my crazy TLC reality documentary shows. I felt him writing on my leg during a commercial break, and laughed as I glanced down to see what he was sketching on my thigh. It said “I ❤ You.” I, of course, told him I loved him too. He then wrote “Marry me?” I smiled, gave him a kiss, took the pen, and wrote “Yes.” He has asked me every day since, and my answer is and forever will be yes ❤

It’s been quite the whirlwind, and some may say it’s even “too fast,” but to them I reply–Life has no recipe. I never knew it was possible to be this happy or to love another person this much, but I thank God every day for Cameron and I cannot wait to see what’s in store as we take this next step!

Stop asking me when I’m going to [insert life event here]

I’m just a small town girl (((go ahead….try to not hear “Don’t Stop Believin'” in your head right now))) and with that comes small town expectations. I graduated in a class of approximately 132, and many of the friends I grew up with are in serious relationships, engaged, married, and/or building families.

And then there’s me.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me the plethora of “When are you going to….” questions related to all aspects of my life. 90% of them are from people who assume that since I’m 26, single, living at home, and married to my job that I’m just miserable all the time. The truth is that, aside from my age, those are all things I’ve chosen for myself.

“When are you going to move to a place of your own? Aren’t you tired of living at home?”

I work in Elkhart, which is significantly bigger than my teenie town of Ligonier. There are some really nice areas of the city, but there are also very bad parts. Affordable housing in good areas of town are hard to come by, so I CHOOSE to live at home. I love my parents dearly and living at home during the start of my professional life has allowed me to grow a lot closer with both of them. Plus, I work for a non-profit agency which means I get paid far less than I should for the work that I do, so the money saving aspect is pretty fantastic. Truthfully, I love my job so the pay doesn’t bother me nearly as much as what people think.

“When are you going to settle down? Maybe you should stop being so shallow and overlooking good guys that are right in front of you.”

This one grinds my gears to no end. First off, my job makes the dating scene difficult the vast majority of the time. Second, since when did having standards make me shallow? While it’s not everything, I think physical attraction is a very important thing in a relationship. It’s a very primitive thing as we look for mates with good genes to pass along to future offspring. All that aside, the reason I’m attracted to men who are physically fit is because it shows me that they care enough about their bodies to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Fitness is a HUGE part of my life, and ideally I’d like a partner with the same passion. The other major things I look for are:

  • Intelligence/Education-I’m college educated and consider myself to be a fairly intelligent individual. I would love to find the same in a partner.
  • Morals-Knowing right from wrong isn’t hard for most, but there are the select few that just don’t get it.
  • Open Mindedness-I tend to clash with close-minded individuals. I have friends and family whose lifestyles vary from the societal norm. I refuse to let these individuals leave my life and so I need someone who will accept them for who they are and not what they are.
  • Stability/Career-Building a career is a beautiful thing. I want someone in a field they’re passionate about that they see bettering themselves in for years to come.
  • Sense of Humor-I’m sarcastic, goofy, and I snort when I laugh. I want someone who is on par with my sense of humor.

I highly doubt the fact that I know what I want makes me shallow, considering the bulk of my qualities aren’t even related to physical features. As for when I’m going to settle down, that’s God’s timing, not mine. I’ve got prospects, but I’m not putting all my eggs into one basket. My relationship with Cameron taking a fiery downward spiral kind of wrecked my ability to easily put my faith into a “could be forever” sort of thing. I’m not going to rush into something or settle simply because those around me are pressuring to do so. I’d rather marry later than my peers than be both married and divorced before 30.

“When are you going to stop taking all that stuff? You’re already skinny enough and you should be proud of where you’re at, not trying to lose more weight.”

This one is simple: AdvoCare products make me feel great, help me cut body fat %, and build glorious muscle. So…..you know…..never is the answer to that question.

“When are you going to have kids? If you wait until you’re married, it may be too late.”

Just….what the hell, people. Stahp. Just staaahhhp.

You get the picture. The bottom line is that this is my life and I’m happy with the way things are going. I firmly believe that when the time is right, each of these questions will be answered. Until then, stop hounding me. If you’re over the age of 50, I may just start hounding you with the “When are you going to plan your funeral? You know you’re getting up there, right?” response.

You Keep Singing That Song….I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

I got bored yesterday while waiting for the Miss Indiana pageant to begin streaming online (by the way, congratulations to the beautiful Miss IU Terrin Thomas on being crowned Miss Indiana! HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOSIERS!!!) and began browsing some old music videos on YouTube. I had a flashback to high school semi-formal when I saw the music video for Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel”, because everyone would grab their date and dance ever so closely.

Newsflash, people. It’s not a love song.

It got me thinking about some songs that are played or remade to have a meaning that’s completely different than originally planned. I was quickly able to come up with several and, as a result, this beautiful little nugget of blogging was born.

 

1. “LIPS OF AN ANGEL” – Hinder

The true meaning of this song has been debated, but it sure as hell sounds like a combination of infidelity and the inability to deal with the one that got away. I have heard this song played at proms, semi-formals, and even at a wedding as a FREAKING FIRST DANCE (irony–the marriage ended as a result of a cheating husband.) It’s catchy, it’s smooth, and the singer’s voice drops panties. It’s not, however, a love song.

Unless you’re cool with the whole cheating deal.

 

2. “WHAT HURTS THE MOST”- Rascal Flatts, Cascada (Remake)

With lines like “It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I’m doin’ it.” and “And not seein’ that lovin’ you, is what I was tryin’ to do”, this song seems like the quintessential breakup song, right?

WRONG!

Cascada turns it into a complete techno-breakup masterpiece which, I’m sure, is the last thing Rascal Flatts wanted. If you watch the video from the original version, you’ll come to discover that it’s about a young girl who loses the love of her life in a car accident after NOT telling him she sees him in her future when he asks. Tear jerker. Not gonna lie, I bawled like a baby when I watched the video. I love this song, I love the beautiful lyrics, and I hate when people post it after being dumped.

 

3.  “SEMI-CHARMED LIFE”- Third Eye Blind

This song used to come on U-93 when I was a kid and I’d sing it at the top of my lungs. A little bit of my childhood died when I found out what it was about…..Crystal Meth. Doing meth, having sex, and passing the hell out.

The end.

 

4. “PUMPED UP KICKS”-Foster the People

I have to admit, when this song came out I cranked up the radio. It’s catchy, but I never really listened to the words…..and then I did, and immediately regretted the decision.

Dude….we were all jamming to a song about a kid planning a school shooting.

The song was inspired by Foster’s experience with high school bullying and bassist Charlie Fink’s cousin, who survived the Columbine Massacre. Have fun singing along now, y’all.

 

5. “GUNPOWDER & LEAD”-Miranda Lambert

I love this song. I love to sing it, I love to listen to it, and I love that people think it’s a “Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned” breakup song.

One of the lines is “His fist is big but my gun’s bigger. He’ll find out when I pull the trigger.” I knew from the first time I heard it that it was about domestic violence. I assumed everyone else understood that, but then someone dedicated it to her “dumbass cheating ex boyfriend.” at karaoke. *facepalm*

6. “JAILHOUSE ROCK”-Elvis Presley

I was obsessed with Elvis as a kid, and “Jailhouse Rock” was my favorite. I thought it was about musical inmates coming together and singing about their misfortune.

Nope. Nope. NOPE! Sex behind bars. Please observe these gems of lyrics:

“Number forty-seven said to number three:
You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me.”

“The sad sack was a sittin’ on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin’ all alone.
The warden said, hey, buddy, don’t you be no square.
If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair.”

“Shifty Henry said to bugs, for heavens sake,
No ones lookin, now’s our chance to make a break.
Bugsy turned to shifty and he said, nix nix,
I wanna stick around a while and get my kicks.”

……..sweet baby Jesus…….

7. “YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE”-Traditional (and Johnny Cash version)

This is on 90% of Johnson & Johnson baby product ads. It’s precious, and my mom used to sing it with me all the time:

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please, don’t take my sunshine away.”

Adorable, right? I didn’t know this until recently, but that’s just the chorus. The song in its entirety is actually quite depressing.

“You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
I was peeping through the bars.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away”

 

8. “CRASH INTO ME”- Dave Matthews

This song is, by far, one of my favorite DMB tunes of all time. I can listen to Dave for hours on end regardless of what his songs mean; the man is magic.

The first verse makes this sounds like a sweet love song:

“Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock, and sweet you roll.
Lost for you, I’m so lost for you.”

By verse 4, things start heating up:

“Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream”

And then by the last verse, shit gets creepy. We realize that this isn’t a lovesick Romeo singing about his Juliet….it’s about a perverted  stalker/Peeping Tom:

“Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I’d like to be”

 

9. “TUTTI FRUTTI”-Little Richard

My grandpa always listened to the oldies station when I was a kid, and this song always made me dance when it came on. Much like Jailhouse Rock, when I found out what was behind this song–my childhood died a little more. Not only is it about some guy getting it on with a girl, but multiple girls–they both know what to do (clearly, professionals) and they all drive him crazy. “Tutti frutti, aw rooty” was not the original lyrics of the song, before it got picked up to be recorded. Here’s what Little Richard sang live:

“Tutti Frutti, good booty
If it don’t fit, don’t force it
You can grease it, make it easy.”

Folks, we all danced as kids to a song about anal sex.

 

What should you take away from this? Simple. The next time you hear a song and you think to yourself “Wow….this would be a good song for [insert occasion here]”, for the love of everything that is sweet and holy–listen to the lyrics. You don’t want to look like an idiot when people realize your first dance is a song about rape, infidelity, or a stalker. Love, Rachel.

Speed Dating

We live in a society that expects everything to be fast. Fast food, fast delivery, fast cars, fast internet. Unfortunately, I’ve come to discover that this also applies to dating. When I refer to speed dating from here on out, I’m not referring to the “sit across the table from a stranger and gauge their interest” speed dating.

I’m talking expedited relationships.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer of dipping your toes in the water before you jump in. I rarely kiss and never (except for that one time) indulge in carnal relations on a first date. I take time to get to know someone before making a decision if I want to have a legitimate relationship. See, I don’t want my life to be like that of a Sim. You know, meet a guy, fall in love, get married and have a baby all within a few hours. I want that fairytale ending as much as the next girl, but I want to take the time to be 100% sure my prince charming is exactly that.

So where am I going with all of this?  I have numerous friends/acquaintances/people on my Facebook machine who are all kinds of “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but be my boyfriend–I love you maybe?”

Forgive me for that….but I had to.

Remember said ex and leather-faced whore from a couple posts back? They’re going to be a prime specimen of WTF-dom when it comes to speed lane couples. I can understand the puppy-love-drunk highschoolers who are madly in love with their boyfriend of the week. Ok, no I can’t. I still think it’s ridiculous but who am I to judge? I was there once too. Anyway, I don’t get on Facebook much anymore because of work, but every time I do, said couple (aka: her posting to him) fills my news feeds with wall posts like “I love you. Just thought you should know.”, many of which contain the wrong uses of your-you’re. For Christmas, he gave her a promise ring….because 3 months is evidently the new 1 year mark. Did I mentioned they moved in together? A regular Cleaver household this duo is turning out to be.

true_story

Before someone out there in blogland gets their panties in a bunch, let me be clear: Not ALL fast paced relationships are bad. My best friend Tabby met her husband Matt in the summer of 2010. From the get-go, I could tell this was forever. They began dating that August, moved in together in October, and were engaged by March. They are an example of how fast sometimes means “When it’s right, it’s right” Neither one were the habitual daters in the past and Matt already had a failed marriage under his belt so he knew what he wanted. They work. They’re perfect for one another.

They’re also the exception.

Why is it that everyone seems to be on the fast-track to the altar? I mean, yes, I would love to be married by the time I’m 30, but I also don’t want to rush perfection. Have I found a man I can see myself spending the rest of my life with? Sure have.  He’s amazing. Plain and simple……but gone most of the year.

And that’s ok.

I still have a lot of life to live, a lot of places to go, and a lot of lives to change before I take a stroll down the aisle. Rushing things is the reason why so many young couples end up in divorce court. Take the time to get to know one another and take the time to get to know yourself.

What’s meant to be will work out perfectly.

Sex, Lies, and Dirty Little Secrets.

**WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOUNG EYES…..OR PRUDES**

Everyone had that moment in Middle School (and even High School) Sex-Ed when they laughed at the description of sexual intercourse and couldn’t imagine how anyone would want to get up close and personal with something that too closely resembled a naked mole rat.

Penises look funny, I get it.

It amazes me how many of my friends and acquaintances still see sex as being a taboo subject and still giggle when someone says the word sex.

*Laugh break*

We’re all adults here, right? The vast majority of us have had at least 1 sexual partner and a surprisingly large chunk have had significantly more. My main focus in my Sociology degree is Human Sexuality. Most people around me still see sex as something that shouldn’t be talked about in the open and I chose to take the area of study an run like hell with it. Sex fascinates me. Social constructions of sexuality vary so much not only from country to country, but even from state to state. Societal norms determine whether homosexuality or “alternative lifestyles” like BDSM (or Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism for those who don’t know) , swinging/open relationships, nudism, polyamory, fetishism, etc. are acceptable.

One thing that I’ve noticed is that sexting is becoming the preferred way of having a sexual encounter. While it’s a lot easier for some to describe the nasty, dirty, unspeakable things they’re going to do to their lovers, it’s still not an acceptable substitute for the real deal. I’ve tried it. It went a little something like this:

Nothing beats the feeling of that skin-to-skin intimate contact with your sweetie (or one night stand, or drunk best friend, or ex-boyfriend).  Texting with one hand and taking care of business with the other will never be an adequate replacement. Ever. Ever ever ever.

Something else that has seemed to become the norm is lying to men to make them feel awesome. I’m not talking about “Yes, please wear that sweater vest to meet my parents.” or “I think your 4 extra chins make you look even more adorable.” I’m talking about the “Ohhh myyy goooodddd you’re soooo huge” and the “You are amazing. Really the best ever” when he’s, er, puttin’ it to you good.

If you know what I mean

There’s a big difference between inflating your man’s ego and blatantly lying to him. Many of the common compliments/praises given to men in the bedroom do not boost self esteem (as intended) but rather make them insecure and downright pissy.

TOP 3 LIES WOMEN TELL IN THE BEDROOM:

1. “That was the best sex I’ve ever had!”: Ladies, let’s be honest here. The number of times we’ve used this line is staggering. Sure, you may have that moment where it really IS the best sex you’ve ever had, but it’s rare that the guy you’re sleeping with ALWAYS tops his predecessor. Thus, always telling your guy he’s “The best ever” is a blatant lie. I’ll admit I’ve used this several times. However, the last time I used it was sincere. It was seriously the mind-blowing, toe-curling sex that would even make Cosmo Magazine say” Good for you!”  Unfortunately, 9/10 romps won’t yield this cataclysmic outcome. Instead of telling him he’s the best ever, emphasize on what he does–telling him “I love the way you ____” or “I love it when you touch this or that” BUT: Choose your words wisely. Even the most confident of men are sensitive and often self conscious in the bedroom.

2.”Your *insert preferred word for penis* is so huge! It’s perfect!”: No guy wants to hear a woman say his member is inadequate. Men like to think that what they’re packing is what every woman wants. It’s very similar to when a woman asks a man about her weight (i.e. “Does this make me look fat?” etc etc etc). Part of you wants your better half to be honest, but then when they tell you the truth it all goes to hell. Instead of lying to him and telling him he’s massive, tell him what he DOES that gets you going. Be specific! Nothing will rev his engine quite like knowing what he does with whatever he has gets you from point A to point OMG.

And if your man IS hung like a moose, kudos to you and feel free to remind him.

3. Faking the Big “O”: It’s a proven fact that very few women actual achieve orgasm from penetration alone. Seriously, when Dr. Phil mentions it on his show, you know it’s a known fact. Men have a tendency to think that if they don’t bring their partner to climax during intercourse, they’ve failed. Newsflash, gents: You haven’t. We still enjoy what you do….a lot.There’s always faking it….but 90% of the time it sounds exactly that: FAKE. Ladies, if you sound like something from the Recently Viewed section of Pornhub.com, you’re probably going over the top. Men like a little bit of noise, a little bit of dirty talk, and just a hint of praise when they’re deep inside you. Screaming “Fuck that pussy” at the top of your lungs over and over again is going to make him freak out.

Everyone has done that once or twice…..or ten times…..

There’s a big difference between faking and exaggerating. Exaggerating your experience is ok, and sometimes can make the big moment even better because you’ve psyched yourself up. Faking it, on the other hand, just throws everything off and causes you to lose touch with what’s really happening. Relax and enjoy the moment. You’re more likely to flirt with the Big O if you just let your body relax and revel in the moment……and yes, I realize that makes me sound a bit like a pot smoking hippie….

Women all have their dirty little secrets. Recipes, gossip, beauty: the works. The dirty little secrets regarding relationships & sex are not so secret anymore. Even though most women won’t fess up, I can guarantee most of them have done at least half of these.

TOP 10 DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS WOMEN DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

10. 92% of us masturbate. 2/3 of that group do it at least 2-3 times a week

9. We tend to smell your clothes and your pillows after you leave…..just because we miss you. Should you catch us, we’d be beyond mortified.

8.  We don’t mind if you go to the strip club, but we’d rather you take us along for the ride.

7. We think it’s unbelievably hot when you’re subtly possessive in public (i.e. arm around the waist/hand on the ass when you catch someone checking us out)

6. We may act offended when someone cat-calls us….but secretly, it makes us feel awesome.

5. We don’t do yoga to achieve inner peace…..we do yoga so you can bend us like a pretzel during sex. If we tell you we’re “not that flexible”, stop trying to snap us in half.

4. We have probably fantasized about having a lesbian encounter.

3(2). Some don’t really think we’re fat, we just like to hear you tell us how sexy you think we are.

3. Those of us who don’t fall into that category thank you for being honest with us (I’m in this group. Thank you to the men who are honest with me)

2. We would most likely watch porn with you if you asked.

1. We often think of something other than you during sex. This can be anything from a different scenario to having sex with someone completely different.

Tis a secret no longer. I’m sure this list varies from woman to woman and that 99% of men have their own list of dirty little secrets (don’t lie….you’ve absolutely envisioned yourself at some point having sex with that porn star you just watched instead of your girlfriend.). It’s part of what makes sex fun. When it mixes with that chemical explosion known as sexual attraction, it sets you up for a damn good night.

Lesson to take away from this? Don’t fake it, stop telling him he’s hung like a porn star, and remember sometimes it’s ok to tell them that we don’t bend that way.  Also, even thought it’s ALWAYS 100% ok to draw the line when you’re uncomfortable, remember to try to be open to new things, experiences, and possibilities.

Life’s no fun if you live it in the missionary position.

You Can’t Fix Stupid

stu·pid·i·ty (st-pd-t, sty-)

n. pl. stu·pid·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being stupid.
2. A stupid act, remark, or idea.

I have a degree in Sociology. I took 4 years of classes on why people do the things they do based on society, culture, etc, and yet every single time I get on Facebook I’m still surprised at how bloody stupid people can be. Seriously, from relationships to political ideology it never ceases to amaze me how many morons are allowed to use the social network.The people around me are treating relationships like a game of musical chairs. No joke.

I have one Facebook friend in particular who was on again/off again with her HUSBAND more than a light switch. Finally, after approximately a year they finally went their separate ways. Some say it was because of infidelity, some say it was because they rushed into it, and still others said it was because he habitually placed a “z” where an “s” was meant to go in absolutely everything. Perhaps we’ll never know. Another speed dater was engaged and LITERALLY within 3 weeks was with someone else and talking about how much she wanted to be with him forever.

There’s a girl I used to be really good friends with in middle school. She and I were inseparable in 5th grade and she wanted to be my friend so badly she even lied about living across the street from a pony farm (seriously). We drifted apart in high school and shortly after graduation, she married a man 15 years her senior. She seemed happy and like everything was great….but then out of the blue she was suddenly single again. Within a matter of a couple months, she was dating a guy we went to high school with–one that I’ve been friends with since the age of 4. They were insanely happy together and settled down. I was also dating someone from high school (2 years ahead of me) and everything was great in the land of West Noble graduates.

Then shit hit the fan.

The two of them broke up after 10 months together, which came as a complete shock to all of us. Meanwhile, my relationship suddenly went sour and I got dumped….on Facebook. Within a week, my ex and this gal were dating.

This is how people think I feel.

This is how I actually feel.

Now, this isn’t a like F**k YOU post. This is like one of those choose your own ending books.

ADVENTURE 1:

He was simply able to move on quickly after we split and then lived happily ever after with a leather faced whore.

The End.

OR

ADVENTURE 2:

He starts being a jerk out of nowhere. I get confused, but also end up getting the crap beat out of me at work (you know, a typical week). I’m out of commission for a good week and a half. He texts me bullshit about not texting him enough and blah blah blah. Suddenly…BAM! A wild Facebook relationship status change appears! He used Facebook breakup–it’s super effective!

For those of you paying attention, yes that was a Pokemon reference.

Then all of a sudden he starts dating someone else less than 2 weeks later and it’s reported to me that it was going on in the weeks preceding the demise of our relationship.

Therefore, he was cheating with a dirty leather faced whore and I want to kick both of them off a bridge.

The End.

Breakups I can handle. Really. I mean, they suck 90% of the time but you get over them. CHEATING, on the other hand, is something I can’t handle. You break up with me: Fine. You cheat on me: Your balls are mine.

As with every major dilemma I have, I call my friend Scott. He’s brutally honest while at the still time still having the awesome ability to boost my ego by telling me how incredibly fantastic I am. I once told him “Scott, if I’m going to be a senator someday, I can’t be associated with, let alone date, guys that make people go WTF.” Which is totally true. I have a real knack for picking gems for boyfriends. 90% of them are either gay, insane, dull, drunks, Patriots fans or have some other obnoxiously unappealing quality that I can’t stand.

My friends sometimes tend to be not far behind. I love politics, I love America, but I hate idiotic Facebook rants about shit people don’t understand. Your political ideology doesn’t have to be plastered on your wall simply because there’s a debate on NBC. Everyone is like “I love Romney!” or “I love Obama!” and I’m sitting in my living room reading case studies like “I love wine!” People continually ask me who I’m voting for. Quite frankly, I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business but my own.

For the record, though, I’m voting for Optimus Prime.

The point is whether it’s relationships, friendships, or whatever the case may be, I have a tendency to keep people around because I believe I can help them make something better of themselves. My job exemplifies this, for crying out loud. I deal with kids every single day that I try to see the good in, but continually (well, most of them) do the stupidest dang things I’ve ever seen.

 

I guess it’s true what they say–You can’t fix stupid.