Simma Down Nah

It’s no secret that I absolutely love Instagram. 90% of my posts are related to either food, fitness, or my dachshunds. Today, I posted this picture for #flashbackfriday/#flexfriday/#fitfriday:

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I shared it on both IG and Facebook with the following caption:

From obliterated hot mess to dedicated gym rat. My transformation has been much more than weight loss. My entire lifestyle has changed. I used to be so insecure and depressed that I needed to drink excessively to numb the pain. I was unhappy with my weight, but I just kept living the same destructive lifestyle I had been. Alcohol made me forget. Alcohol made me bold. Alcohol also made me overweight, unhealthy, and more depressed. Fast forward 5 years from that picture on the left, and life is completely different. I’m in the gym 5-6 days a week, I eat healthy, and for the first time in a long time I feel good about myself. I don’t need alcohol, I don’t need complements from men, and I don’t need to party in order to find peace in my life. I have God, I have the gym, and I have faith in myself. I looked for happiness in the bottom of a bottle, but I found it in the gym.

It took a LOT of courage to share that part of my story, because not many people knew about the alcohol problems I had in college. I drank to numb the pain of insecurity, I drank to numb the pain of losing loved ones, I drank to numb the hurt of breakups. My sisters were worried, my family was worried, and deep down I was worried, but I kept drinking. I was dangerously close to being, from a clinical standpoint, an alcoholic.

After posting this picture, most of the comments were incredibly supportive and contained nothing but love and support. However, after refreshing my browser while eating lunch, I found this status from one of my FB friends.

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I honestly feel it’s no coincidence that this was posted less than an hour after I shared my picture and my story.  Alcohol was not the reason I gained all the weight. It was a factor, but so were the poor food choices and making excuses not to go to the gym, along with being too depressed to get out of bed some days. I found this extremely rude and incredibly offensive. I feel it’s stupid to take offense to someone’s personal story of overcoming obstacles like that just because you’re a bartender. I still drink on occasion. I love wine, I love good beer, and I love going to bars with friends. I just don’t drink to get drunk anymore. I drink socially, and I prefer wine tastings and breweries to clubs. That’s what adults do. They drink to socialize, they drink because they love the art and the taste. Alcoholics drink to deal with life and numb the pain they’re too scared to process—alcoholics drink to function. “You don’t need to be sober to be healthy”? I’ve never met a single alcoholic who a doctor could look at and give a thumbs up with a clean bill of health. Devaluing someone’s life experiences in such a hurtful manner is ridiculous.

Sloppy ass mess, huh? I guarantee that even at my most intoxicated I could carry on a better conversation than most people. So suck on that Popsicle, holmes.

Stop asking me when I’m going to [insert life event here]

I’m just a small town girl (((go ahead….try to not hear “Don’t Stop Believin'” in your head right now))) and with that comes small town expectations. I graduated in a class of approximately 132, and many of the friends I grew up with are in serious relationships, engaged, married, and/or building families.

And then there’s me.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me the plethora of “When are you going to….” questions related to all aspects of my life. 90% of them are from people who assume that since I’m 26, single, living at home, and married to my job that I’m just miserable all the time. The truth is that, aside from my age, those are all things I’ve chosen for myself.

“When are you going to move to a place of your own? Aren’t you tired of living at home?”

I work in Elkhart, which is significantly bigger than my teenie town of Ligonier. There are some really nice areas of the city, but there are also very bad parts. Affordable housing in good areas of town are hard to come by, so I CHOOSE to live at home. I love my parents dearly and living at home during the start of my professional life has allowed me to grow a lot closer with both of them. Plus, I work for a non-profit agency which means I get paid far less than I should for the work that I do, so the money saving aspect is pretty fantastic. Truthfully, I love my job so the pay doesn’t bother me nearly as much as what people think.

“When are you going to settle down? Maybe you should stop being so shallow and overlooking good guys that are right in front of you.”

This one grinds my gears to no end. First off, my job makes the dating scene difficult the vast majority of the time. Second, since when did having standards make me shallow? While it’s not everything, I think physical attraction is a very important thing in a relationship. It’s a very primitive thing as we look for mates with good genes to pass along to future offspring. All that aside, the reason I’m attracted to men who are physically fit is because it shows me that they care enough about their bodies to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Fitness is a HUGE part of my life, and ideally I’d like a partner with the same passion. The other major things I look for are:

  • Intelligence/Education-I’m college educated and consider myself to be a fairly intelligent individual. I would love to find the same in a partner.
  • Morals-Knowing right from wrong isn’t hard for most, but there are the select few that just don’t get it.
  • Open Mindedness-I tend to clash with close-minded individuals. I have friends and family whose lifestyles vary from the societal norm. I refuse to let these individuals leave my life and so I need someone who will accept them for who they are and not what they are.
  • Stability/Career-Building a career is a beautiful thing. I want someone in a field they’re passionate about that they see bettering themselves in for years to come.
  • Sense of Humor-I’m sarcastic, goofy, and I snort when I laugh. I want someone who is on par with my sense of humor.

I highly doubt the fact that I know what I want makes me shallow, considering the bulk of my qualities aren’t even related to physical features. As for when I’m going to settle down, that’s God’s timing, not mine. I’ve got prospects, but I’m not putting all my eggs into one basket. My relationship with Cameron taking a fiery downward spiral kind of wrecked my ability to easily put my faith into a “could be forever” sort of thing. I’m not going to rush into something or settle simply because those around me are pressuring to do so. I’d rather marry later than my peers than be both married and divorced before 30.

“When are you going to stop taking all that stuff? You’re already skinny enough and you should be proud of where you’re at, not trying to lose more weight.”

This one is simple: AdvoCare products make me feel great, help me cut body fat %, and build glorious muscle. So…..you know…..never is the answer to that question.

“When are you going to have kids? If you wait until you’re married, it may be too late.”

Just….what the hell, people. Stahp. Just staaahhhp.

You get the picture. The bottom line is that this is my life and I’m happy with the way things are going. I firmly believe that when the time is right, each of these questions will be answered. Until then, stop hounding me. If you’re over the age of 50, I may just start hounding you with the “When are you going to plan your funeral? You know you’re getting up there, right?” response.

You Keep Singing That Song….I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

I got bored yesterday while waiting for the Miss Indiana pageant to begin streaming online (by the way, congratulations to the beautiful Miss IU Terrin Thomas on being crowned Miss Indiana! HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOSIERS!!!) and began browsing some old music videos on YouTube. I had a flashback to high school semi-formal when I saw the music video for Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel”, because everyone would grab their date and dance ever so closely.

Newsflash, people. It’s not a love song.

It got me thinking about some songs that are played or remade to have a meaning that’s completely different than originally planned. I was quickly able to come up with several and, as a result, this beautiful little nugget of blogging was born.

 

1. “LIPS OF AN ANGEL” – Hinder

The true meaning of this song has been debated, but it sure as hell sounds like a combination of infidelity and the inability to deal with the one that got away. I have heard this song played at proms, semi-formals, and even at a wedding as a FREAKING FIRST DANCE (irony–the marriage ended as a result of a cheating husband.) It’s catchy, it’s smooth, and the singer’s voice drops panties. It’s not, however, a love song.

Unless you’re cool with the whole cheating deal.

 

2. “WHAT HURTS THE MOST”- Rascal Flatts, Cascada (Remake)

With lines like “It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I’m doin’ it.” and “And not seein’ that lovin’ you, is what I was tryin’ to do”, this song seems like the quintessential breakup song, right?

WRONG!

Cascada turns it into a complete techno-breakup masterpiece which, I’m sure, is the last thing Rascal Flatts wanted. If you watch the video from the original version, you’ll come to discover that it’s about a young girl who loses the love of her life in a car accident after NOT telling him she sees him in her future when he asks. Tear jerker. Not gonna lie, I bawled like a baby when I watched the video. I love this song, I love the beautiful lyrics, and I hate when people post it after being dumped.

 

3.  “SEMI-CHARMED LIFE”- Third Eye Blind

This song used to come on U-93 when I was a kid and I’d sing it at the top of my lungs. A little bit of my childhood died when I found out what it was about…..Crystal Meth. Doing meth, having sex, and passing the hell out.

The end.

 

4. “PUMPED UP KICKS”-Foster the People

I have to admit, when this song came out I cranked up the radio. It’s catchy, but I never really listened to the words…..and then I did, and immediately regretted the decision.

Dude….we were all jamming to a song about a kid planning a school shooting.

The song was inspired by Foster’s experience with high school bullying and bassist Charlie Fink’s cousin, who survived the Columbine Massacre. Have fun singing along now, y’all.

 

5. “GUNPOWDER & LEAD”-Miranda Lambert

I love this song. I love to sing it, I love to listen to it, and I love that people think it’s a “Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned” breakup song.

One of the lines is “His fist is big but my gun’s bigger. He’ll find out when I pull the trigger.” I knew from the first time I heard it that it was about domestic violence. I assumed everyone else understood that, but then someone dedicated it to her “dumbass cheating ex boyfriend.” at karaoke. *facepalm*

6. “JAILHOUSE ROCK”-Elvis Presley

I was obsessed with Elvis as a kid, and “Jailhouse Rock” was my favorite. I thought it was about musical inmates coming together and singing about their misfortune.

Nope. Nope. NOPE! Sex behind bars. Please observe these gems of lyrics:

“Number forty-seven said to number three:
You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me.”

“The sad sack was a sittin’ on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin’ all alone.
The warden said, hey, buddy, don’t you be no square.
If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair.”

“Shifty Henry said to bugs, for heavens sake,
No ones lookin, now’s our chance to make a break.
Bugsy turned to shifty and he said, nix nix,
I wanna stick around a while and get my kicks.”

……..sweet baby Jesus…….

7. “YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE”-Traditional (and Johnny Cash version)

This is on 90% of Johnson & Johnson baby product ads. It’s precious, and my mom used to sing it with me all the time:

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please, don’t take my sunshine away.”

Adorable, right? I didn’t know this until recently, but that’s just the chorus. The song in its entirety is actually quite depressing.

“You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
I was peeping through the bars.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away”

 

8. “CRASH INTO ME”- Dave Matthews

This song is, by far, one of my favorite DMB tunes of all time. I can listen to Dave for hours on end regardless of what his songs mean; the man is magic.

The first verse makes this sounds like a sweet love song:

“Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock, and sweet you roll.
Lost for you, I’m so lost for you.”

By verse 4, things start heating up:

“Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream”

And then by the last verse, shit gets creepy. We realize that this isn’t a lovesick Romeo singing about his Juliet….it’s about a perverted  stalker/Peeping Tom:

“Oh I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted
The way I’d like to be”

 

9. “TUTTI FRUTTI”-Little Richard

My grandpa always listened to the oldies station when I was a kid, and this song always made me dance when it came on. Much like Jailhouse Rock, when I found out what was behind this song–my childhood died a little more. Not only is it about some guy getting it on with a girl, but multiple girls–they both know what to do (clearly, professionals) and they all drive him crazy. “Tutti frutti, aw rooty” was not the original lyrics of the song, before it got picked up to be recorded. Here’s what Little Richard sang live:

“Tutti Frutti, good booty
If it don’t fit, don’t force it
You can grease it, make it easy.”

Folks, we all danced as kids to a song about anal sex.

 

What should you take away from this? Simple. The next time you hear a song and you think to yourself “Wow….this would be a good song for [insert occasion here]”, for the love of everything that is sweet and holy–listen to the lyrics. You don’t want to look like an idiot when people realize your first dance is a song about rape, infidelity, or a stalker. Love, Rachel.

Speed Dating

We live in a society that expects everything to be fast. Fast food, fast delivery, fast cars, fast internet. Unfortunately, I’ve come to discover that this also applies to dating. When I refer to speed dating from here on out, I’m not referring to the “sit across the table from a stranger and gauge their interest” speed dating.

I’m talking expedited relationships.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer of dipping your toes in the water before you jump in. I rarely kiss and never (except for that one time) indulge in carnal relations on a first date. I take time to get to know someone before making a decision if I want to have a legitimate relationship. See, I don’t want my life to be like that of a Sim. You know, meet a guy, fall in love, get married and have a baby all within a few hours. I want that fairytale ending as much as the next girl, but I want to take the time to be 100% sure my prince charming is exactly that.

So where am I going with all of this?  I have numerous friends/acquaintances/people on my Facebook machine who are all kinds of “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but be my boyfriend–I love you maybe?”

Forgive me for that….but I had to.

Remember said ex and leather-faced whore from a couple posts back? They’re going to be a prime specimen of WTF-dom when it comes to speed lane couples. I can understand the puppy-love-drunk highschoolers who are madly in love with their boyfriend of the week. Ok, no I can’t. I still think it’s ridiculous but who am I to judge? I was there once too. Anyway, I don’t get on Facebook much anymore because of work, but every time I do, said couple (aka: her posting to him) fills my news feeds with wall posts like “I love you. Just thought you should know.”, many of which contain the wrong uses of your-you’re. For Christmas, he gave her a promise ring….because 3 months is evidently the new 1 year mark. Did I mentioned they moved in together? A regular Cleaver household this duo is turning out to be.

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Before someone out there in blogland gets their panties in a bunch, let me be clear: Not ALL fast paced relationships are bad. My best friend Tabby met her husband Matt in the summer of 2010. From the get-go, I could tell this was forever. They began dating that August, moved in together in October, and were engaged by March. They are an example of how fast sometimes means “When it’s right, it’s right” Neither one were the habitual daters in the past and Matt already had a failed marriage under his belt so he knew what he wanted. They work. They’re perfect for one another.

They’re also the exception.

Why is it that everyone seems to be on the fast-track to the altar? I mean, yes, I would love to be married by the time I’m 30, but I also don’t want to rush perfection. Have I found a man I can see myself spending the rest of my life with? Sure have.  He’s amazing. Plain and simple……but gone most of the year.

And that’s ok.

I still have a lot of life to live, a lot of places to go, and a lot of lives to change before I take a stroll down the aisle. Rushing things is the reason why so many young couples end up in divorce court. Take the time to get to know one another and take the time to get to know yourself.

What’s meant to be will work out perfectly.

You Can’t Fix Stupid

stu·pid·i·ty (st-pd-t, sty-)

n. pl. stu·pid·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being stupid.
2. A stupid act, remark, or idea.

I have a degree in Sociology. I took 4 years of classes on why people do the things they do based on society, culture, etc, and yet every single time I get on Facebook I’m still surprised at how bloody stupid people can be. Seriously, from relationships to political ideology it never ceases to amaze me how many morons are allowed to use the social network.The people around me are treating relationships like a game of musical chairs. No joke.

I have one Facebook friend in particular who was on again/off again with her HUSBAND more than a light switch. Finally, after approximately a year they finally went their separate ways. Some say it was because of infidelity, some say it was because they rushed into it, and still others said it was because he habitually placed a “z” where an “s” was meant to go in absolutely everything. Perhaps we’ll never know. Another speed dater was engaged and LITERALLY within 3 weeks was with someone else and talking about how much she wanted to be with him forever.

There’s a girl I used to be really good friends with in middle school. She and I were inseparable in 5th grade and she wanted to be my friend so badly she even lied about living across the street from a pony farm (seriously). We drifted apart in high school and shortly after graduation, she married a man 15 years her senior. She seemed happy and like everything was great….but then out of the blue she was suddenly single again. Within a matter of a couple months, she was dating a guy we went to high school with–one that I’ve been friends with since the age of 4. They were insanely happy together and settled down. I was also dating someone from high school (2 years ahead of me) and everything was great in the land of West Noble graduates.

Then shit hit the fan.

The two of them broke up after 10 months together, which came as a complete shock to all of us. Meanwhile, my relationship suddenly went sour and I got dumped….on Facebook. Within a week, my ex and this gal were dating.

This is how people think I feel.

This is how I actually feel.

Now, this isn’t a like F**k YOU post. This is like one of those choose your own ending books.

ADVENTURE 1:

He was simply able to move on quickly after we split and then lived happily ever after with a leather faced whore.

The End.

OR

ADVENTURE 2:

He starts being a jerk out of nowhere. I get confused, but also end up getting the crap beat out of me at work (you know, a typical week). I’m out of commission for a good week and a half. He texts me bullshit about not texting him enough and blah blah blah. Suddenly…BAM! A wild Facebook relationship status change appears! He used Facebook breakup–it’s super effective!

For those of you paying attention, yes that was a Pokemon reference.

Then all of a sudden he starts dating someone else less than 2 weeks later and it’s reported to me that it was going on in the weeks preceding the demise of our relationship.

Therefore, he was cheating with a dirty leather faced whore and I want to kick both of them off a bridge.

The End.

Breakups I can handle. Really. I mean, they suck 90% of the time but you get over them. CHEATING, on the other hand, is something I can’t handle. You break up with me: Fine. You cheat on me: Your balls are mine.

As with every major dilemma I have, I call my friend Scott. He’s brutally honest while at the still time still having the awesome ability to boost my ego by telling me how incredibly fantastic I am. I once told him “Scott, if I’m going to be a senator someday, I can’t be associated with, let alone date, guys that make people go WTF.” Which is totally true. I have a real knack for picking gems for boyfriends. 90% of them are either gay, insane, dull, drunks, Patriots fans or have some other obnoxiously unappealing quality that I can’t stand.

My friends sometimes tend to be not far behind. I love politics, I love America, but I hate idiotic Facebook rants about shit people don’t understand. Your political ideology doesn’t have to be plastered on your wall simply because there’s a debate on NBC. Everyone is like “I love Romney!” or “I love Obama!” and I’m sitting in my living room reading case studies like “I love wine!” People continually ask me who I’m voting for. Quite frankly, I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business but my own.

For the record, though, I’m voting for Optimus Prime.

The point is whether it’s relationships, friendships, or whatever the case may be, I have a tendency to keep people around because I believe I can help them make something better of themselves. My job exemplifies this, for crying out loud. I deal with kids every single day that I try to see the good in, but continually (well, most of them) do the stupidest dang things I’ve ever seen.

 

I guess it’s true what they say–You can’t fix stupid.

10 Annoying Things People Do on Facebook

Annoying Facebook friends. Everybody has them, everybody laughs about their posts, and everyone has moments where they click the “Unfollow all posts” option. Being a Youth Care Worker, I don’t have a LOT of time to be on Facebook, but I see so many hilariously irritating things pop up on my news feed and notifications. So many, in fact, that it’s become blog worthy. The Annoying Facebook Girl meme has become pretty popular in recent months, even having a Twitter account that is absolutely hysterical. Reading through the tweets, I can often say “Yep….see that…..she’s on my news feed….oh my lord, it’s the chick that sat next to me in bio Freshman year….” Thus, I’ve compiled a list.

1)  Girls who post pictures of themselves saying I’m so fat, I’m so ugly, OMG I’m disgusting, etc.

Attention whores: This one is for you.

Seriously. With this being the start of swimsuit season, I’ve seen too many girls with flat stomachs/abs posting pictures of themselves in bathing suits saying “OMG I’m such a chubs”, “I’m soooooo a fatty!”, “Ugh, I still look like crap, I need to work out!”, and so on and so forth. Really? You’re REALLY that desperate for Facebook horndogs to comment on how banging your body is and how you don’t need to change a thing? Bitch, please. If you’re that desperate for this sort of attention, why don’t you go on down to the local Showgirl III and put in an application.

2) People who chronic inviters.

Apparently, some people on my friends list (and by some, I mean too many) have wayyyyy too much time on their hands. I don’t think a day has gone by in the past 3 weeks that I haven’t come home from work to find at least 2-4 game invites. If you need the birthday calendar app to remember when my birthday is, we have an issue. I don’t NEED to play FarmVille; I live in it. I’m beginning to think that the invention of the Facebook game was one of the WORST ideas in the history of social networking—-Zuckerberg, c’mon.

And this doesn’t JUST apply to games. I’ve gotten 150 event invites in the past 2 months and only 20 of them were things I could actually attend. The rest of them were faux iPad giveaways and things of that nature OR to events that were nowhere close to where I live. Oh yeah random dorm-mate from frosh year that I haven’t had a chance to delete yet, I’d LOVE to come to your Gossip Girl party in Scranton, PA….let me drop everything I’m doing in BFE, Indiana and I’ll be right there.

3) People who will post absolutely anything on Facebook.

By anything, I literally mean anything. Airing dirty laundry about their relationships, calling out “haters” in their statuses instead of confronting them one-on-one, asking for likes to win a pair of shoes, etc. It’s like nothing is real unless it hits Facebook. Not in a relationship on Facebook? Not in a relationship in real life. Not posting 10000s of religious photos and statuses on Facebook? You’re not religious and you’re going to hell in a handbasket.

Aside from the people that post 4 statuses in a row trying to bitch about their husbands and their kids and their neighbors’ baby daddy, I cannot STAND the statuses that go as such.

Facebook is going to start charging $40 a month for users. Anyone who reposts this status will be grandfathered in and will not be charged for using Facebook! REPOST THIS STATUS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR FACEBOOK!

or

*With picture* Like+share. This child has cancer and for every like and share Facebook pays 3 cent to this child.

I don’t usually comment on these posts, but when I do, it’s with a link to Snopes.com

Everyone has 1OO or more friends on Facebook, but when it comes to needing a friend how many would actually be there? I guarantee not even 25 friends/people will like this status . “LIKE” this status if you’d be there for me ; Set this as your status and see who’d be there for you

Hoooold up. So, I have to like a freaking status to prove my friendship? I guess that one time I told off a creeper at the bar to ensure your drunk ass wouldn’t get raped didn’t count for anything. Hmm…should have liked the status…..

Reshare in if you love God, in 120 seconds he will do you a favor

Ok, I love Jesus Christ with my entire being, but I’m not going to post a status to prove it. You feel you need to share on Facebook if you love God AND believe that in 120 seconds because of it he’ll do you a favor? Last time I checked, being one of his followers and turning your heart over to him was the way to win him over…..

gurl was walkin 2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode. she sed “bbz will u luv me 4evr” he said “NO..”…da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine. boy was cryin and went to pic up her body. she was ded. he whispered 2 her corpse “I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever…” (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr) xxx~*…LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIME…~*xxx. if u don post dis witin 5 min, u will hav bad luk 4 10 yrs

Um…I’m sorry….Dafuq did I just read? How am I supposed to repost something that I can’t read AND that Microsoft Translator won’t translate….hello 10 years bad luck….? This brings me to Annoying Facebook Point #4.

4) People who post statuses that would kill an English teacher in his/her tracks.

The last status in #3 is a prime example. I mean, um….what? I know kindergartners who can spell better than that. Most browsers have a spell check feature (unless it’s IE….but that’s a backwards shooting pistol and doesn’t count anyway) so this is just nonsense.

Of course, there’s also the there/their/they’re and your/you’re battle that will rage on until the end of time…

 

Other things that fall into this category:

pEoPlE wHo TyPe LyK dIs (yes, yes with like spelled lyk and dis instead of this)

People who put a z where an s should go—example of a real Facebook status I saw on my news feed: “wizhing thingz could be different, it may take a long tyme, but im willing to do watever it takez!!!”

Every single time one of these things pop up, I die a little on the inside.

 

5) People who add absolutely anyone.

No Ram Hashish from Mumbai with no mutual friends, I don’t want to be your friend—-I don’t know you. Same goes for you creeper who sent me a message saying you wanted to lick whipped cream off my body.

6) People who post every detail of their relationship….the TMI-ers

Like I said....every part of it

It doesn’t matter if it’s the high school girl in love after 4 days or the crazy 30 year old newlywed with an entire album of her laying on the floor kissing her husband, you don’t need to post EVERY detail of your relationship on Facebook. Hell, I rarely even announce to Facebook that I’m IN a relationship. Why does it matter? It goes back to the whole “It’s not real if it’s not on Facebook” mentality that most people have somehow acquired. I’ve had 4 friends get married in the past 6 months and it never fails that SOMEONE will post something like this:

OMG! Change your relationship status and your name! You’re a married woman now!

It’s become SUCH a huge deal, that to poke fun of people like this I want to take a moment at the altar, get my phone from my matron of honor, and have the pastor say something about changing your relationship status to married. Unfortunately, I feel very few people in attendance would find it as funny as I do.

7) People who post just to get sympathy

The sad day when u realize that nobody gives a f**k about u anymore

if i go missing…dont try to find me…its u who pushed me over the edge in the first place

just dont kno wat 2 do nemore……jus want 2 go 2 slep an not wake up

*insert random sad song lyrics here*

These are all statuses pulled from my Facebook news feed…..of course the last one is just generalized because there are SO many. People are always looking for sympathy and someone to tell them they’re beautiful/amazing/not lame/not stupid/too good for the ex that left them for cheating/etc. What slays me are the ones who post “im so upset….dont talk 2 me pls” and then comment 3 hours later “Wow…no1 cares?” Um….didn’t you give specific instructions NOT to talk to you?

Finally, there’s always that group of individuals who INSIST on every status being something like this

Sweetheart, they make websites for that—-they’re called dating sites. If the guy above was female, I’m sure after he got into a relationship he would turn into #8…..

8) People who turn into the “Overly Attached/Obsessed Girlfriends”

 

Everybody knows a girl like this. One of my Facebook friends had/has one who is legitimately 10x creepier than this girl. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you Overly Attached Girlfriend: IRL: No explanation needed

9) People who would have no ego without 2 things—-narcissism and photoshop

These people will do absolutely anything to boost their egos. First in this category, we have the narcissistic folks. You know, the ones who post pictures with captions like “Sexy as hell”, “Out of your league”, “My body is so bangin” and “OMG I’m SOOO hot!!!” Occasionally, you look at these and yes “Why yes Frank Facebooker, your abs are quite fantastic. Good for you, sir” (Modern Day Translation: “Daaaaayyyuuummmm”). However, 9 times out of 10 it’s someone who is pale as all get out and has the body of a 12 year old boy lifting up his shirt to show his “abs”…..really? You REALLY think chicks dig that? Put your shirt back down and stop blinding us with your paleness.

Next, we have the photoshoppers. Don’t get me wrong, I love Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro Photo X2, and even Portrait Professional 10 (which I use for my pageant headshots). I don’t, however, use them to erase half of my waist, make my booty bigger (it doesn’t need to be….this white girl has a donk already), or make my boobs look like they’re ready to explode. Photoshop has allowed people to morph themselves from what they truly are to what they and other people want them to be. One of my favorite parts of the Interwebs is the Photo Shop Fails.

There are tons more. Seriously, just use the Google Machine and type in “Photo Shop Fails” to see hundreds of pictures of girls asses that are so large they bend the closet doors. Freaking ridiculous.

10) People who are complete hypocrites

A broad topic, yes, but one that is more than qualified to end my first Annoying Facebook People post. There are several types of Facebook Hypocrites.

  • Religious Hypocrites—post statuses about what an abomination it is to use the Lord’s name in vain, but then do it daily. Also, guys who scream from the rooftops that lesbians are the hottest thing ever, but then bash homosexuality calling it a sin.

  • Girls who post they’re not like other girls—–are totally like other girls
  • Pot-Calling-The-Kettle-Black Hypocrites—-you know, those who hate on others for doing exactly what they’ve done/still do

And of course, my personal favorite

  • Girls who complain about how other girls post pictures of their bodies all over Facebook just for attention—but have their boobs all kinds of hanging out in their profile pictures and in just about all of their tagged/posted pictures as well.

This was probably the most fun I’ve had writing a blog entry in quite some time. Oddly enough, during the time I was writing this post my Facebook friends became increasingly intelligent and decided to not post complete nonsense…..luckily, I had already taken screenshots of the ones I needed 😉

Coming soon—Annoying Things People Do on Twitter! #omg #shutup #totespresh

xoxo

***MAJOR thanks to Failbook.com, Memebase.com, epicfail.com, and overlyattachedgirlfriend.com for posting all of the awesome screenshots I’ve posted. All 4 websites are hilarious—check them out!***

Here Comes the Ex

It doesn’t matter how happy you are with your life or current relationship, whenever an ex gets married it just freaking blows. My ex-boyfriend is getting married on Saturday and I’ve been an angry wreck all week because of it. It’s not because I still have feelings for him, because he left me for her or anything of that sort. It’s just the fact that he’s getting married….period. I don’t know why, but it just sucks.

Michael and I met in the late Fall of 2008 through Facebook and a mutual friend and we clicked right away. We began dating around Christmas and he was with me all through my Rush experience. He embraced the idea of dating a sorority girl at first, but then during bid week started getting a little anxious—because of the parties. I assured him that he had nothing to worry about. I had never cheated and I swore to him I never would–a promise I kept the entirety of our relationship.

On Valentine’s Day, he greeted me at my apartment door in a suit with a poem he had written for me. I melted. I had made reservations at Grazie!, a fabulous Italian restaurant in downtown Bloomington, and we enjoyed an amazing dinner together before returning home to enjoy the rest of our romantic evening. About 3 weeks later, Michael and I woke up early to catch breakfast before I had to go to class. I walked out of my bathroom to find Michael sitting on the side of the bed with a solemn look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“What is this….this isn’t mine” he said, holding up a condom wrapper.

“Diana was here for my party a couple weeks ago and had just returned from a weekend with her boyfriend. It probably fell out of her backpack because I know that’s the brand they use. Weird, but yes I do know. I can call her if you want”

He kissed my forehead and apologized for freaking out. After breakfast he dropped me off at class, told me he loved me, and headed back to Columbus. I had a hair appointment that afternoon, so I headed to the salon after class. I got a text from Michael saying “I can’t do this right now” followed by a text from my best friend saying “Oh my God, are you ok? I just saw”. Confused, I said “What are you talking about” only to discover I had been dumped via Facebook……he changed his relationship status without even a warning. To this day, he still thinks I cheated.

We’re still friends, and I maintain my innocence. I look at dating as a basis for marriage–if you can’t stay faithful to someone when you’re just dating them, how are you going to stay faithful for the rest of your life with vows and a legal union? It’s now become a “he said, she said” battle, with my poor best friend Jordan stuck right smack-dab in the middle of it.

As happy as I am right now with life, it makes me want to pull a stunt like Dustin Hoffman did in “The Graduate”….you know, this scene.

“Elaine! Elaine!”

As a friend, I wish him all the happiness in the world. As an ex, I’m going to try to ignore this weekend. Thank goodness Mama’s taking me shopping on Saturday so I’ll have something to keep my mind off of it. I don’t understand why I’m so torn up about this because I have no feelings outside of friendship towards him whatsoever. Maybe it’s the fact that Michael still thinks I cheated making his upcoming nuptials so hard to accept, maybe it’s because I never really got closure, or maybe it’s because it’s a slight twinge of jealousy that he’s getting married and I’m not. Maybe I’ll never know, but it’s one of the perks of being a girl: I get to be emotional over the dumbest things without much judgement.