Annoying Facebook friends. Everybody has them, everybody laughs about their posts, and everyone has moments where they click the “Unfollow all posts” option. Being a Youth Care Worker, I don’t have a LOT of time to be on Facebook, but I see so many hilariously irritating things pop up on my news feed and notifications. So many, in fact, that it’s become blog worthy. The Annoying Facebook Girl meme has become pretty popular in recent months, even having a Twitter account that is absolutely hysterical. Reading through the tweets, I can often say “Yep….see that…..she’s on my news feed….oh my lord, it’s the chick that sat next to me in bio Freshman year….” Thus, I’ve compiled a list.
1) Girls who post pictures of themselves saying I’m so fat, I’m so ugly, OMG I’m disgusting, etc.
Attention whores: This one is for you.
Seriously. With this being the start of swimsuit season, I’ve seen too many girls with flat stomachs/abs posting pictures of themselves in bathing suits saying “OMG I’m such a chubs”, “I’m soooooo a fatty!”, “Ugh, I still look like crap, I need to work out!”, and so on and so forth. Really? You’re REALLY that desperate for Facebook horndogs to comment on how banging your body is and how you don’t need to change a thing? Bitch, please. If you’re that desperate for this sort of attention, why don’t you go on down to the local Showgirl III and put in an application.
2) People who chronic inviters.
Apparently, some people on my friends list (and by some, I mean too many) have wayyyyy too much time on their hands. I don’t think a day has gone by in the past 3 weeks that I haven’t come home from work to find at least 2-4 game invites. If you need the birthday calendar app to remember when my birthday is, we have an issue. I don’t NEED to play FarmVille; I live in it. I’m beginning to think that the invention of the Facebook game was one of the WORST ideas in the history of social networking—-Zuckerberg, c’mon.
And this doesn’t JUST apply to games. I’ve gotten 150 event invites in the past 2 months and only 20 of them were things I could actually attend. The rest of them were faux iPad giveaways and things of that nature OR to events that were nowhere close to where I live. Oh yeah random dorm-mate from frosh year that I haven’t had a chance to delete yet, I’d LOVE to come to your Gossip Girl party in Scranton, PA….let me drop everything I’m doing in BFE, Indiana and I’ll be right there.
3) People who will post absolutely anything on Facebook.
By anything, I literally mean anything. Airing dirty laundry about their relationships, calling out “haters” in their statuses instead of confronting them one-on-one, asking for likes to win a pair of shoes, etc. It’s like nothing is real unless it hits Facebook. Not in a relationship on Facebook? Not in a relationship in real life. Not posting 10000s of religious photos and statuses on Facebook? You’re not religious and you’re going to hell in a handbasket.
Aside from the people that post 4 statuses in a row trying to bitch about their husbands and their kids and their neighbors’ baby daddy, I cannot STAND the statuses that go as such.
Facebook is going to start charging $40 a month for users. Anyone who reposts this status will be grandfathered in and will not be charged for using Facebook! REPOST THIS STATUS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR FACEBOOK!
*With picture* Like+share. This child has cancer and for every like and share Facebook pays 3 cent to this child.
I don’t usually comment on these posts, but when I do, it’s with a link to Snopes.com
Everyone has 1OO or more friends on Facebook, but when it comes to needing a friend how many would actually be there? I guarantee not even 25 friends/people will like this status . “LIKE” this status if you’d be there for me ; Set this as your status and see who’d be there for you
Hoooold up. So, I have to like a freaking status to prove my friendship? I guess that one time I told off a creeper at the bar to ensure your drunk ass wouldn’t get raped didn’t count for anything. Hmm…should have liked the status…..
Reshare in if you love God, in 120 seconds he will do you a favor
Ok, I love Jesus Christ with my entire being, but I’m not going to post a status to prove it. You feel you need to share on Facebook if you love God AND believe that in 120 seconds because of it he’ll do you a favor? Last time I checked, being one of his followers and turning your heart over to him was the way to win him over…..
gurl was walkin 2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode. she sed “bbz will u luv me 4evr” he said “NO..”…da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine. boy was cryin and went to pic up her body. she was ded. he whispered 2 her corpse “I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever…” (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr) xxx~*…LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIME…~*xxx. if u don post dis witin 5 min, u will hav bad luk 4 10 yrs
Um…I’m sorry….Dafuq did I just read? How am I supposed to repost something that I can’t read AND that Microsoft Translator won’t translate….hello 10 years bad luck….? This brings me to Annoying Facebook Point #4.
4) People who post statuses that would kill an English teacher in his/her tracks.
The last status in #3 is a prime example. I mean, um….what? I know kindergartners who can spell better than that. Most browsers have a spell check feature (unless it’s IE….but that’s a backwards shooting pistol and doesn’t count anyway) so this is just nonsense.
Of course, there’s also the there/their/they’re and your/you’re battle that will rage on until the end of time…
Other things that fall into this category:
pEoPlE wHo TyPe LyK dIs (yes, yes with like spelled lyk and dis instead of this)
People who put a z where an s should go—example of a real Facebook status I saw on my news feed: “wizhing thingz could be different, it may take a long tyme, but im willing to do watever it takez!!!”
Every single time one of these things pop up, I die a little on the inside.
5) People who add absolutely anyone.
No Ram Hashish from Mumbai with no mutual friends, I don’t want to be your friend—-I don’t know you. Same goes for you creeper who sent me a message saying you wanted to lick whipped cream off my body.
6) People who post every detail of their relationship….the TMI-ers
It doesn’t matter if it’s the high school girl in love after 4 days or the crazy 30 year old newlywed with an entire album of her laying on the floor kissing her husband, you don’t need to post EVERY detail of your relationship on Facebook. Hell, I rarely even announce to Facebook that I’m IN a relationship. Why does it matter? It goes back to the whole “It’s not real if it’s not on Facebook” mentality that most people have somehow acquired. I’ve had 4 friends get married in the past 6 months and it never fails that SOMEONE will post something like this:
OMG! Change your relationship status and your name! You’re a married woman now!
It’s become SUCH a huge deal, that to poke fun of people like this I want to take a moment at the altar, get my phone from my matron of honor, and have the pastor say something about changing your relationship status to married. Unfortunately, I feel very few people in attendance would find it as funny as I do.
7) People who post just to get sympathy
The sad day when u realize that nobody gives a f**k about u anymore
if i go missing…dont try to find me…its u who pushed me over the edge in the first place
just dont kno wat 2 do nemore……jus want 2 go 2 slep an not wake up
*insert random sad song lyrics here*
These are all statuses pulled from my Facebook news feed…..of course the last one is just generalized because there are SO many. People are always looking for sympathy and someone to tell them they’re beautiful/amazing/not lame/not stupid/too good for the ex that left them for cheating/etc. What slays me are the ones who post “im so upset….dont talk 2 me pls” and then comment 3 hours later “Wow…no1 cares?” Um….didn’t you give specific instructions NOT to talk to you?
Finally, there’s always that group of individuals who INSIST on every status being something like this
Sweetheart, they make websites for that—-they’re called dating sites. If the guy above was female, I’m sure after he got into a relationship he would turn into #8…..
8) People who turn into the “Overly Attached/Obsessed Girlfriends”
Everybody knows a girl like this. One of my Facebook friends had/has one who is legitimately 10x creepier than this girl. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you Overly Attached Girlfriend: IRL: No explanation needed
9) People who would have no ego without 2 things—-narcissism and photoshop
These people will do absolutely anything to boost their egos. First in this category, we have the narcissistic folks. You know, the ones who post pictures with captions like “Sexy as hell”, “Out of your league”, “My body is so bangin” and “OMG I’m SOOO hot!!!” Occasionally, you look at these and yes “Why yes Frank Facebooker, your abs are quite fantastic. Good for you, sir” (Modern Day Translation: “Daaaaayyyuuummmm”). However, 9 times out of 10 it’s someone who is pale as all get out and has the body of a 12 year old boy lifting up his shirt to show his “abs”…..really? You REALLY think chicks dig that? Put your shirt back down and stop blinding us with your paleness.
Next, we have the photoshoppers. Don’t get me wrong, I love Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro Photo X2, and even Portrait Professional 10 (which I use for my pageant headshots). I don’t, however, use them to erase half of my waist, make my booty bigger (it doesn’t need to be….this white girl has a donk already), or make my boobs look like they’re ready to explode. Photoshop has allowed people to morph themselves from what they truly are to what they and other people want them to be. One of my favorite parts of the Interwebs is the Photo Shop Fails.
There are tons more. Seriously, just use the Google Machine and type in “Photo Shop Fails” to see hundreds of pictures of girls asses that are so large they bend the closet doors. Freaking ridiculous.
10) People who are complete hypocrites
A broad topic, yes, but one that is more than qualified to end my first Annoying Facebook People post. There are several types of Facebook Hypocrites.
- Religious Hypocrites—post statuses about what an abomination it is to use the Lord’s name in vain, but then do it daily. Also, guys who scream from the rooftops that lesbians are the hottest thing ever, but then bash homosexuality calling it a sin.
- Girls who post they’re not like other girls—–are totally like other girls
- Pot-Calling-The-Kettle-Black Hypocrites—-you know, those who hate on others for doing exactly what they’ve done/still do
And of course, my personal favorite
- Girls who complain about how other girls post pictures of their bodies all over Facebook just for attention—but have their boobs all kinds of hanging out in their profile pictures and in just about all of their tagged/posted pictures as well.
This was probably the most fun I’ve had writing a blog entry in quite some time. Oddly enough, during the time I was writing this post my Facebook friends became increasingly intelligent and decided to not post complete nonsense…..luckily, I had already taken screenshots of the ones I needed 😉
Coming soon—Annoying Things People Do on Twitter! #omg #shutup #totespresh
***MAJOR thanks to Failbook.com, Memebase.com, epicfail.com, and overlyattachedgirlfriend.com for posting all of the awesome screenshots I’ve posted. All 4 websites are hilarious—check them out!***