Sex, Lies, and Dirty Little Secrets.


Everyone had that moment in Middle School (and even High School) Sex-Ed when they laughed at the description of sexual intercourse and couldn’t imagine how anyone would want to get up close and personal with something that too closely resembled a naked mole rat.

Penises look funny, I get it.

It amazes me how many of my friends and acquaintances still see sex as being a taboo subject and still giggle when someone says the word sex.

*Laugh break*

We’re all adults here, right? The vast majority of us have had at least 1 sexual partner and a surprisingly large chunk have had significantly more. My main focus in my Sociology degree is Human Sexuality. Most people around me still see sex as something that shouldn’t be talked about in the open and I chose to take the area of study an run like hell with it. Sex fascinates me. Social constructions of sexuality vary so much not only from country to country, but even from state to state. Societal norms determine whether homosexuality or “alternative lifestyles” like BDSM (or Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism for those who don’t know) , swinging/open relationships, nudism, polyamory, fetishism, etc. are acceptable.

One thing that I’ve noticed is that sexting is becoming the preferred way of having a sexual encounter. While it’s a lot easier for some to describe the nasty, dirty, unspeakable things they’re going to do to their lovers, it’s still not an acceptable substitute for the real deal. I’ve tried it. It went a little something like this:

Nothing beats the feeling of that skin-to-skin intimate contact with your sweetie (or one night stand, or drunk best friend, or ex-boyfriend).  Texting with one hand and taking care of business with the other will never be an adequate replacement. Ever. Ever ever ever.

Something else that has seemed to become the norm is lying to men to make them feel awesome. I’m not talking about “Yes, please wear that sweater vest to meet my parents.” or “I think your 4 extra chins make you look even more adorable.” I’m talking about the “Ohhh myyy goooodddd you’re soooo huge” and the “You are amazing. Really the best ever” when he’s, er, puttin’ it to you good.

If you know what I mean

There’s a big difference between inflating your man’s ego and blatantly lying to him. Many of the common compliments/praises given to men in the bedroom do not boost self esteem (as intended) but rather make them insecure and downright pissy.


1. “That was the best sex I’ve ever had!”: Ladies, let’s be honest here. The number of times we’ve used this line is staggering. Sure, you may have that moment where it really IS the best sex you’ve ever had, but it’s rare that the guy you’re sleeping with ALWAYS tops his predecessor. Thus, always telling your guy he’s “The best ever” is a blatant lie. I’ll admit I’ve used this several times. However, the last time I used it was sincere. It was seriously the mind-blowing, toe-curling sex that would even make Cosmo Magazine say” Good for you!”  Unfortunately, 9/10 romps won’t yield this cataclysmic outcome. Instead of telling him he’s the best ever, emphasize on what he does–telling him “I love the way you ____” or “I love it when you touch this or that” BUT: Choose your words wisely. Even the most confident of men are sensitive and often self conscious in the bedroom.

2.”Your *insert preferred word for penis* is so huge! It’s perfect!”: No guy wants to hear a woman say his member is inadequate. Men like to think that what they’re packing is what every woman wants. It’s very similar to when a woman asks a man about her weight (i.e. “Does this make me look fat?” etc etc etc). Part of you wants your better half to be honest, but then when they tell you the truth it all goes to hell. Instead of lying to him and telling him he’s massive, tell him what he DOES that gets you going. Be specific! Nothing will rev his engine quite like knowing what he does with whatever he has gets you from point A to point OMG.

And if your man IS hung like a moose, kudos to you and feel free to remind him.

3. Faking the Big “O”: It’s a proven fact that very few women actual achieve orgasm from penetration alone. Seriously, when Dr. Phil mentions it on his show, you know it’s a known fact. Men have a tendency to think that if they don’t bring their partner to climax during intercourse, they’ve failed. Newsflash, gents: You haven’t. We still enjoy what you do….a lot.There’s always faking it….but 90% of the time it sounds exactly that: FAKE. Ladies, if you sound like something from the Recently Viewed section of, you’re probably going over the top. Men like a little bit of noise, a little bit of dirty talk, and just a hint of praise when they’re deep inside you. Screaming “Fuck that pussy” at the top of your lungs over and over again is going to make him freak out.

Everyone has done that once or twice…..or ten times…..

There’s a big difference between faking and exaggerating. Exaggerating your experience is ok, and sometimes can make the big moment even better because you’ve psyched yourself up. Faking it, on the other hand, just throws everything off and causes you to lose touch with what’s really happening. Relax and enjoy the moment. You’re more likely to flirt with the Big O if you just let your body relax and revel in the moment……and yes, I realize that makes me sound a bit like a pot smoking hippie….

Women all have their dirty little secrets. Recipes, gossip, beauty: the works. The dirty little secrets regarding relationships & sex are not so secret anymore. Even though most women won’t fess up, I can guarantee most of them have done at least half of these.


10. 92% of us masturbate. 2/3 of that group do it at least 2-3 times a week

9. We tend to smell your clothes and your pillows after you leave…..just because we miss you. Should you catch us, we’d be beyond mortified.

8.  We don’t mind if you go to the strip club, but we’d rather you take us along for the ride.

7. We think it’s unbelievably hot when you’re subtly possessive in public (i.e. arm around the waist/hand on the ass when you catch someone checking us out)

6. We may act offended when someone cat-calls us….but secretly, it makes us feel awesome.

5. We don’t do yoga to achieve inner peace…..we do yoga so you can bend us like a pretzel during sex. If we tell you we’re “not that flexible”, stop trying to snap us in half.

4. We have probably fantasized about having a lesbian encounter.

3(2). Some don’t really think we’re fat, we just like to hear you tell us how sexy you think we are.

3. Those of us who don’t fall into that category thank you for being honest with us (I’m in this group. Thank you to the men who are honest with me)

2. We would most likely watch porn with you if you asked.

1. We often think of something other than you during sex. This can be anything from a different scenario to having sex with someone completely different.

Tis a secret no longer. I’m sure this list varies from woman to woman and that 99% of men have their own list of dirty little secrets (don’t lie….you’ve absolutely envisioned yourself at some point having sex with that porn star you just watched instead of your girlfriend.). It’s part of what makes sex fun. When it mixes with that chemical explosion known as sexual attraction, it sets you up for a damn good night.

Lesson to take away from this? Don’t fake it, stop telling him he’s hung like a porn star, and remember sometimes it’s ok to tell them that we don’t bend that way.  Also, even thought it’s ALWAYS 100% ok to draw the line when you’re uncomfortable, remember to try to be open to new things, experiences, and possibilities.

Life’s no fun if you live it in the missionary position.